I remember as a young boy growing up in America, we learned a lot about freedom and the axioms of being an American. But being an American doesn’t make us energetically free. A government can not issue and protect this freedom because it lives in the fabrics of our relationships. Only an individual can dictate energetic freedom. And I promise you that the road to energetic freedom is not easy due to the way we relate as humans.
7 weeks ago, I left the U.S. and set an intention that I wanted my trip to Hawaii, Australia and New Zealand to be a soul journey. I have spent the last 5 years healing my body and my heart. Now, I honed my focus on my soul. I wanted to understand what is my soul and how I can connect to it and integrate its guidance into my life. When I think of a spirit or a soul, I think of the energy that is us. The energy that cannot be seen or touched, but it can be felt. It can be known and understood. It is the energy I believe that goes on beyond the body. One of my intentions for my life is to bring good energy into the world.
While I was on the road, a kind and loving woman appeared that had a message for me. She asked me my birth year, month, day and hour. She asked to read my Chinese Zodiac sign. She said, “Your spirit animal is the Rat.” This is the first animal of the zodiac and the smartest. The rat is wise, instinctive and intuitive. It is social. It can thrive in any situation. It is introspective and while it can be in a group, it can also see the group from a removed perspective. In addition, I am a Wood Rat. Wood is foundational, life, constantly growing, changing and evolving. This is an adventurous spirit. The rat likes to scurry and wander while the wood has roots, it still can branch out, move and shift in any direction.
Then her face turned serious. She said, “Your heart animal is the Goat…And the Goat is actually the shadow of your spirit. This means it opposes and competes against your spirit. This can be good or bad…” A shadow can also be something we can learn from. My heart, the place of love, is battling with the free, wandering and adventurous spirit of the Rat. When I heard this, it immediately made sense across my entire life. All of the struggles and the decisions I had made that led me wrong. They say follow your heart and my heart always led me to do for others first, listen and accept what others wanted for me. My life was dictated by my heart which was connected to the heart of others. But our hearts are a place of pain, fear and trauma. We hold so much heaviness there. I have been trying so hard to care for the hearts of others through the actions and decisions of my life. Sometimes I appeased them but I’ve always felt a deep pain within my spirit. A pain that I was on the wrong path heading further away from the road that was meant for me. Realizing that my heart has been blocking my spiritual freedom made sense. I had to grieve a little bit. All of my choices from my heart were hurting my soul and its journey, its purpose. I realized that this was why I was struggling, struggling to achieve energetic freedom. My heart is interconnected, but separate from my soul. And my heart has been holding me back from where I am called to go and who I’m going to be.
We are several weeks now into the time of the coronavirus. A global pandemic that feels hard to believe but we are in a time where every country, every person is affected and living in the unknown. We are forced into the present, if we can, because the daily happenings are changing so rapidly that long term planning is useless. When I left the U.S. 7 weeks ago, my plan was to return in early April (2 weeks from the time of this writing) to Chicago before my sister gives birth to her son. This is my baby sister, the first of my siblings to have a baby. This was going to be a wonderful and celebrated time for us, all together enjoying this experience. But that possibility is now rapidly fading. I am across the world, in New Zealand. There are only a few dozen cases of the virus here compared to thousands everywhere else. The borders for most country’s are being closed. Our options on this world travel journey are dwindling and for my tribe — Marty, Megan and the kids — the U.S. is not an option for them right now. We are trying to do what’s best for our safety. We are trying to manage all of this changing information. We are trying to care for ourselves and stay in touch with others and hope that we all get through it. I have had a feeling something like this is coming. I have additionally felt like I’ve been training for this — my body, my heart and now my spirit aligned so I can transcend the survival mode many are being forced into. I believe that if I can transcend I will create with others that are doing the same, we will create human systems that work for all of us and what comes next. We cannot go back to what we’ve known. I’ve had to grieve that too, but I never believed in the old systems.
At first, I felt like I was being torn apart. Ripped one way by my heart and in the other direction, by my soul. My heart wants to run back to the U.S., to be there for my family and my sister in this time of need. And then spend months and potentially longer quarantined in a city apartment, trying to keep my mental health together while I’m away from my chosen family, away from my purpose, away from my soul. This is my chance. I can feel that. This is the moment. I’m not sure how many of these you get in this human experience of life.
Energetic freedom is releasing the resistance to the unknown. Releasing the illusion that we have a sense of control of events, outcomes and what our life will look like in the future. I chose to release control over the situation of whether I should be with my blood family back in the U.S. or my chosen family here traveling in New Zealand during the pandemic. The next thing that happened was looking down at my phone to see I received a message from my sister, unprompted about my dilemma. Her words were, “I want you to do what’s safest”. My release of resistance ignited something energetically on her end that she acted upon that supported me in the decision I know is best. I know in the deepest parts of my soul I am here for a reason and rushing back is only what my heart would do.
The future is unknown. I don’t know when I will be able to see them. I’ve been trying to disconnect my umbilical cord from America, from my family, from the systems of the old world. This is it. The system is dieing and if I’m still attached to it, I can be pretty sure that will be my fate. A zombie living in a world that doesn’t make sense, feels unfair and is filled with suffering until its end. Or rather, I can follow my calling. I can tune into that voice I’ve heard long ago that has grown louder. And as I’ve listened, I’ve trusted it more and let go of my attachment and responsibilities of my heart. And with that more good energy has come my way in so many beautiful and wonderful forms while negative energy repels. I can’t explain it any other way than that. I guess I’m pretty woo woo now.
And I’m grieving. I felt this was coming but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve prepared for this, but I am not feeling righteous. I can see the next few steps for these interconnected systems — health, financial, food …. I feel worried for all of the pain that will come for so many. I also know that in the long run, this is what must be done for humans to continue on. We must evolve and historically, this is the only way we can. By force.
If you are reading this and the words feel like you already know them somehow. If they feel like they may be your own words, then you are one of us. And we are one of you.
I am rewriting my past and it is shifting the present and my future. I am creating a story where the spirit was sacrificed by the whims of the heart. And now, the spirit is sliding into its true position of power. I set the intention to align my body, heart and soul.
My intention is to embody the change.